Valentines Day & The Lovely Marvina

St. Peter
Pearly Gates
6969 Alpha Centauri Way
Dark Matter Universe, 3.1415926

Dear St. Peter:

I write to wholeheartedly recommend Marvina for Eternal Bliss. She is talented and hardworking. Not to mention adorable. You will never regret giving her a shot. She’s the best.

In making this recommendation, I am aware of the vicious rumors suggesting that Marvina shows certain Zombiesque tendencies. I’m also aware that being a Zombie makes her eligible for deportation under the Trump regime, even though the president has yet to identify the country or municipality to which these unfortunate creatures would be deported. (My personal pick for deportation would be Magna, although Washington, D.C., might be a better punch line.)

In any event, the suggestion that Marvina might be a Zombie is completely false, except maybe for the hours spent in front of the TV between 6 and 10 p.m. Even at those times, her Zombification is minimized or at least hidden with careful application of facial tape and plasters.

In recommending Marvina, I should acknowledge my personal bias. Marvina and I have lived together blissfully for many years. As I will detail below, she is the best person I’ve ever met, hands down, and should be a shoe-in for Heaven or any afterlife you may also be in charge of. 

     (1) She’s a Kantian. God likes rules, right? He’s going to love Marvina because she believes in following rules to the letter. This has been a godsend to me recently as I recover from hip surgery. She was with me all day at the orthopedic center and supported me through the entire process. During my recovery, she took the week off work so that she could be there for me whenever I needed help. And I do mean “whenever”; even when she was sleeping, she was instantly awake whenever I got out of bed to ask if I needed anything. That must have been exhausting!

 

She also carefully logged all the post-operative procedures and protocols. She even created a system to dispense the boatload of meds I need. It was ingenious (and so cute!) the way she fashioned little individual envelopes, each containing my prescribed meds along with written instructions for the dose and time for each day. Amazing!

     (2) She loves me. Unequivocally. As someone who has not always felt accepted by friends and family, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed at how she loves and accepts me completely. I have never felt so cherished and appreciated.

     (3) She’s an inspiration. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without her. She is so warm and funny and brimming with enthusiasm, not just for me, but also for the many blessings and limited series TV shows we celebrate each day. Every day, I learn from her example.

(4) She’s funny as fuck. I can’t say enough about how much fun we have together. Some of this is world-class bantering and teasing that makes up much of the time we spend together. She has an impeccable wit and dishes out one-liners with a warm and contagious laugh. 

 For example:

a.        She has been taking Ozempic and has lost nearly 100 pounds. One day, she was altering clothes and decided to try on a pair of my pants for perspective. “Look!” she said. “I can fit into your pants! Even though I wouldn’t be caught dead in them!

 

b.       “I have to tell you, I tried Starbucks the other day? Dogwater. My coffee is so much better. I don’t know why anyone goes there.”

 

c.       “Rewatching Sister Wives, I realize how self-centered they all are. They’re complaining about how Covid made them have to cancel an 18th birthday party. Hello! People died because of Covid and you’re worrying about a birthday party? I just want to punch them.”

 

d.      “So, I’m at the store and I almost ran into this old lady. I said, Oh, sorry! and she seemed fine with it. But there was this old guy standing right here (gestures) and he says to me: You need to watch where you’re going with your cart. I looked at him and said: You need to brush your teeth.”

 

e.      “You should be proud of me. I put money into my envelope/savings thingy, my budget binder budgeting for vacation. We’re gonna take me and my siblings, well not all my siblings, but like Victoria and Kimberly for Christmas. I’m already saving up for my birthday. I’m even saving for my Botox.”

 f.     “Dammit Jim, I’m a cook, not a doctor.”

 

g.     “One time, I told this guy I didn’t want to date him. So, he says to me, Well at least I’m not a fat cow. I told him he should at least get the insult right. I’m a heifer, not a cow, because heifers have never given birth while cows have given birth. If you’re gonna insult me, you better insult me correctly.”

          So, Pete, I just can’t say enough about Marvina. She’s kind, loving, and doubtless the sort of person you and the big G would like to pal around with for eternity. It definitely won’t be dull. She has made this the best time of my life and I’m certain she will do the same for your eternal lives. I love her to infinity and beyond.

           Sincerely,

           Brett DelPorto